All moved in. First full weekend. I love it here. I love living on my own in my own space with the occasional roommate ;) Although in that time I have managed to create a good mess around the apartment I'm glad because it feels lived in. I am still in search of the perfect table and chairs for my kitchen but I know it will happen in time. Plan today....grocery store for stuff to make banana bread and tuna noodle casserole. Then some cleaning and relaxing. Reading of the time travelers wife for the book club. It's a great feeling. I'm starting to feel a sense of belonging. It's been a while since I've felt that.

Moving Out: Under a week count down

It is under a week until I move out on my own. Surprisingly I am still way more excited than nervous. I think that must mean that this is truly the right decision for me. As usual I am inclined to say I will start writing more often but the truth is I just never know when the mood is going to strike. Hopefully time on my hands by myself will lead me to this page more often. But we shall see. My room is slowly becoming empty. At least the walls, they are almost all clear and only a small amount of my stuff is still on the desk and in the book shelves. I think I have about 10 small boxes sitting on my floor. I know people always say that you never know how much stuff you really have until you move. It is so true though. I was wanting to cleanse myself of some of the things I have held onto but it is always harder to do when it's in front of you. I always want to give things one more chance to be part of my world....which ulitimately turns into 2 and then 3 chances and so on. There are a couple big boxes accumulated from life in my closet and a pile of artwork. Those will be takled later today or this week. The good news is as always I have the trusty Gilmore Girls....now I am on season 6 (only 1 and half to go)....I know it's silly but I think I like it so much because I want to be part of their world. So for a short 43 min an episode I can be. The good news is my world is looking more exciting by the day. So much to look forward to and more interesting posts to come...hopefully ;)

Thoughtful living

Post meltdown on my part, I have decided it might be good to focus on the positive in life more. I believe that this could be a useful tool to help me with that, as I am able to catalog my accomplishments and reference them in times of sorrow. (And believe me there always are times of sorrow, just hoping to make those times a bit more scarce).

As per my request my mother and sister joined me at the movies tonight to see Julie and Julia. It was magnificent! The costumes, the sets, the acting, I loved it all. I laughed and laughed and a smile rarely disapeared from my face. The way those women live/lived, independence is important but true love to help you through the rough times and share in the laughs. What a blessing. Crammed in a Queens studio apartment above a pizzeria, in a foreign country being mocked at your lack of cooking skills, it sure makes you feel like you can overcome many things. That's where I am at right now. Reaching for the stars but not so far my mind gets carried away, enjoying life, relishing in the positive for there is so much around.

As we were driving home and I was looking at the moon I couldn't help but think about when I was younger and the moon was always a thing Ifelt others were looking at at that exact time. In such a big world it was a chance to feel close to others. I read once that someone always thought about how the right person for you could be looking at the moon at the same time as you... for some reason this stuck. Many other things did not.

I'm learning lessons I possibly should have learned earlier but it wasn't the right time, I wasn't ready. Do you ever feel that you aren't meant to find things when you are looking for them? I came inside last night to do some push ups on the carpet in the living room and there I was after barely any collapsing with a thud to the floor and breathing heavily when I saw it. My one missing croc that I have been looking for...for quite some time now. My mom says when you start finding things it means you are on the right track in life and I have to say, I sure feel that way. It's an uphill climb with maybe a few plateaus but I know I am ready to get back to just living.

I wanna just be me again. Whoever that is.

Nothing like a Whitney Houston belt out session to get the creative juices flowing.

It goes without saying that this blog has been on the back burner for some time now. I'm really hoping that this is the time that it will finally be rejuvinated. I think we could be of use to each other. My explorations feel minimal at this time as for the past 6 weeks I have been spending the majority of my time behind the walls of Paul Fredrick. While this is not my idea of how I would be spending the majority of my time it has allowed me other means of exploration, for you see I can never stop :) or at least I must not. I find it difficult to spend my time not working at a job I am being paid for so I do my best to keep occupied with the work flow but at times it is rather scarse. After awhile of staring at a screen the shirt I am looking at becomes less and less easy to solve. I have to match the color of the actual shirt to the shirt on the screen. At this point I know I need fresh eyes. So here's where the exploring begins. I have become an avid reader of the New York Times. I even check out a few of their blogs on a daily basis.... Bitten, a blog about food, Green Inc, and Paper Cuts to catch up on my contemporary literary knowledge. The last one also informed me that Jeannette Walls, the author of one of my favorite books, The Glass Castle, is writing another book due out in October. Anyways I find myself exploring the world through the internet. Although maybe it's not the ultimate dream I had in mind for myself, it suits the situation. All of this research hopefully helps me to find the path I'd rather be taking. For now I'm going to do my darndest to make the best of this job situation and work on keeping myself happy off the clock as well. In those times of discovery on the interent I will take a moment to come share it with my very few loyal fans who check back every so often just to see if my voice as a writer is anywhere to be found. It's been doing a lot of relaxing lately but now it's about time it comes out of hibernation.

Change

I moved my room around.

I guess I was hoping it'd feel like a fresh start. And it does. It also feels like an end. The feelings I've felt within the last couple days were unexpected and sentimental. Throughout this semester I've never felt scared about being thrust into the adult world full of responsiblity where fun often takes a back seat. Probably because I had already been living that life. Mostly. But today it feels like my few things I'm grasping onto in order to feel like this is home are slowly slipping away. Now I'm not saying this is completely a bad thing though because I think it's the change that I need. We all know how much human nature objects to change. It's not natural to feel like things aren't comfortable although in the outcome you will feel that way again or at least a general feeling of happiness. I'm working on making peace with this end and moving forward with my new beginning. It does feel like it all happend so fast. I guess it would help if I keep telling myself that since I got through the horrors of Rome I can get through just about anything.

Walking and Graduation

Today I have completed my college education. I have not walked yet or recieved my diploma but the work is done. I am excited, relieved, exhausted, tired of sneezing from the crazy blooming around the town. So many emotions and feeling like I should be doing something to celebrate. The parents just returned from Italy and as I type are drifting into dreamland. I decided to celebrate on my own but beginning season 4 of Gilmore Girls. As previously mentioned (I believe) I am working my way through the 7 seasons of my favorite world to revisit again and again. This episode I am about to watch contains the return of the GGs to the US after backpacking through Europe in celebration of Rory's graduation from high school. It seems only apropriate to watch as I am looking for a celebration myself. So in finding myself stumbling around the web I ran into this article.... http://www.good.is/post/walking-the-walk/?gt1=48001 it is about people who walked across the country. Most of them for a cause but how perfect is it that 2 of the main factors of the episode happen to intertwine with the real world. So off I am to Stars Hallow CT, with maybe a little Rome scrap booking on the side.

Hot Tub Thoughts

As the buds appear on my favorite silhouette against the sky it feels like the clouds in the distance are soon to part. My thoughts are calm but many. The world seems as if I'm looking at it with fresh eyes. Perhaps that's what it is because that is in fact what I am doing. It has been a long time since I've felt this strong. My mother always told me that she found I changed a lot with in the months before my birthday. I don't know if that is true this year but my outlook on life certainly has. The positivity spark I've been missing has been found again and I feel lighter and happier than I have in almost a year. The joy I find in little things is back.

Suddenly a squirrel scrambles down the tree to my right, to the suet he craves even after he's devoured the entire thing. Leaving none for the birds. I stare straight at him and shaking my head I say, " Don't even think about it." It stops him dead in his tracks. He seems to think that although our eyes are locked I cannot see him because he is still. " Turn around," I say and he scurries back up the tree. He pops his head out a few feet up, "I can still see you." The head retreats and a few seconds later he appears many feet above on a large branch.

I stare out across the yard and through the trees that in a matter of weeks times will have leaves on them. The feeling will change but it will be welcome after the months of frozen forest world. Off in the distance the birds have already begun to sing their songs. I envision myself doing yoga on the back deck as the wind blows through the trees. It's my favorite place here. I can't wait for that again. I find myself composing the lines of a story and realize after the cold winter months, it is time again that I write my blog.

Once again it's been a bit since I've written but there have been some other things that were a bit more important than dissing my thoughts and life out on here. I started the semester last week with a bang. While I'm excited for some of my classes it's busy. When I'm not in class I'm at work, driving or eating before I pass out from exhaustion. It makes an interesting time though. I put so much time into my work while I was in Rome...nothing else to really do during the week. I had forgotten how nice that was. So with this busy time it makes it difficult to find time to hang out with people. I'm sure it will get easier. I'm working really hard on focusing on now. I like my mother love to have something to look forward to and I thin I need to find joy in looking forward to smaller things in the closer future. Graduation will come too soon and I will have to be too much of an adult than I would like to be. I know it's the right thing to do in these times but I can't help thinking something will be missing....

Ok getting a little too into that thought. I have to get myself together now. A long overdue shower needs to be taken and I gotta get some stuff together to give to the goodwill, figure out what I want to do with my photo life this semester and maybe if I'm lucky find a coat rack to continue with the constant organization of my room.

I'm back....2009 style

I know it's been a long time since writing last. But to be honest there has not been a place for this in my life recently. My thoughts were too much my own to share. I spent a wonderfully challenging 3 and a half months in Rome, Italy. I overcame more than I ever thought I could and I grew a lot in directions I was not expecting to. Life has a funny way of throwing things at you that had nothing to do with expectations. "Here see how you can handle this one" Sometimes that's what it feels like. As I start this new year I want to start writing more....although maybe not always on here. I think it is important that I get my thoughts out, because as some of you may know...my thoughts are not always clear to even me. They take some coaxing out. I am looking to this year to challenge myself to continue to grow in ways I know I have been slowing branching out towards in my mind and turning those thoughts into actions. Since I have been back I have been very busy. I had a lot of catching up to do. The strange thing is it felt like I was stuck a little bit. I spent these last few months learning more than I think I have ever learned in such a short span. I ventured out into areas of an ancient city that were not so ancient anymore and some places that retained that magical quality. I want to explore the world around me here in the way that I did Rome. Now this might be a bit difficult considering many of my explorations were planned by informed practically natives of the city but none the less this is the challenge I propose to myself. In a very short time things will be picking up tremendously only to consume many of my creative thoughts as they typically do but I will fight them to keep myself here. I know that I must live here indefinitely because of financial stability and for that I must make the best of it. I think I've lost some of my positivity and adopted a bit of some bugs outlook and I would like to help that bug get to a place I remember so fondly but seldom remember to think about. Thinking this way saves me and I think it could save this bug too. So here is to a beginning of the next chapter....bring it on. I know it won't be easy but that does not mean it cannot be moved through with a smile and some chocolate and other good things too. I guess this means officially....I'M BACK!